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I was talking to another Asian friend about dating — bad dates, embarrassing dates, funny dates — when we inevitably got to the topic of dating as women of color.

A guy I used to date asked one day to look at my eyes up dating an asian girl. He preferred women without make-up, but I have sparse eyebrows and monolids, like a lot of Asian women, which means I usually need a little more eye makeup than.

Other women have not had to do this, I remember thinking, as he examined my face. On a vacation to Virginia Beach, a homeless man high-fived my boyfriend and asked him, without ever looking at me, what it was like to sleep with an Asian girl. But the moment passed and no one batted an eye. I brought up the comment later on the dating an asian girl ride home.

Immediately, my boyfriend got defensive and accused me of overreacting. Well-meaning people can be ignorant.

Well-meaning people can be your friends. They can be your partner.

Well-meaning people can misunderstand if you try to show them the ways you feel dehumanized. Well-meaning people can try to explain it away.

At first, the weight of the question, and the anger of years having an idea thrust upon me, overwhelmed me. I felt like the question trivialized my experience of being objectified.

How do you explain feeling dating an asian girl when you know you are magnificent?

Sometimes you will have to show them who you are. Loud and soft and whole and flawed.

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